Look Out the Window at That Storm

     That line from Frank Loesser’s playful “Baby It’s Cold  Outside,” describes the ugly forecast for tomorrow’s Twins opener.  The forecast for the Twins baseball season is at least equally ugly.  Maybe uglier

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    It takes only a few seconds to come in out of the cold.  Would that solving the Twins problems was that easy.  This is an allegedly Major League ball club that has lost nearly two hundred games the past two seasons.  Their skinflint owners, bankers, wallowed in poor-mouthed self pity while black-jacking the public into building (funny, I typed “bilking” three times before I managed to get  the preceding word right) a free ballpark.  In between whines, they averred their intent to use the new cash bonanza that would flow from a shiny new ballpark to compete for talent with richer teams in bigger markets.  Hoo Hah!  They haven’t yet mentioned collateralized debt obligations, nor shares in the Colorado Beefsteak Mine, but it’s still early in the game.

     The first year in their new digs, you know, the one with the obstructed sight lines in right field and left field, the Twinks were merely mediocre.  There followed the two unmitigated disasters that left them so far out that the Soo Line has never been there. 

    Between the close of the 2012 cataclysm, which was as badly structured as Custer’s advance on Sturgis 136 years earlier, and the start of spring training in February, Head Twinkie Terry Ryan bottom-fished for pitchers and came up with nothing but carp.  (I was careful with that spelling).  In a perfectly formulated achievement of value received, none of the new pitchers costs much, and all are probably worth even less.  Otherwise, why would they lie in repose on the bottom awaiting Head Twinkie Terry’s hook?  Everybody needs pitching. The good ones are snapped right up.

    But the hometown heroes need a little more than that.  Like three more infielders and two more outfielders. What are the odds?

    While the weather may be iffy, Twins ticket prices are firmly settled at an average of $33 dollars and change per pop.  At those prices to see that ball club, who cares if the temp stays at 31 degrees for the next 5 and a half months?

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Gun deaths since Newtown: 2,200, as of  March 28, 2013.

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     The Norwood Teague Era at dear old Ski-U-Mah  promises some intrigue. In the newest act of the 15^th Avenue Follies, Athletic Director Teague came in as his predecessor, Joel Maturi, with golden parachute firmly in hand, was scrambling to avoid being hit by the door on his way out .

    One of Athletic Director Teague’s first moves was to extend Basketball Coach Tubby Smith’s contract, while increasing Smith’s take home pay and raising the cost of Smith’s buyout to $2,500,000.  A.D. Teague must have thought Tubby was some punkins.

     But, lo, one season of Tubby was enough to change A.D. Teague’s opinion, and before March had maddened in toto, Tubby got the steel-toed sneaker.  Even so, he left town with many a laugh and cheer, in a vehicle leased from Brink’s.

    The search for his replacement has resulted in a series of rapid fire no thank yous, which would ordinarily not cause surprise.  The interesting fillip here is that A.D. Teague made it quite clear that no outside search firm would be retained to seek the next mentor of hoops, inferring instead that the Athletic Department would be in sole charge.

     That may be a hasty inference.  In the dither surrounding all things Gopher, at least, all things men’s gophers, Villa 7 surfaced.  Seemingly little known to the public, Villa 7 is a network of coaches and athletic directors, according to a piece in the paper, that apparently serves as a sort of clearing house that “connects coaches with athletic directors.”

     A founder of Villa 7 is Mike Ellis, Senior Associate Athletic Director who came to the U of M with A.D. Teague.  A.D. Teague is also purportedly active in the enterprise.  Reputedly, Villa 7 is widely admired by the coaches whose careers have been impacted by it.  What an advantage to have in our very own Bernie Bierman Behemoth Stable on 15^th Ave. S.E.  All those connections, and no financial obligation to a search firm.  Search firms, headhunters.  Yech! 

 

     Wait. Hold it.  Does Villa 7 do this for long-suffering Gopher fans for free?  If not, who gets the money?  When do A.D. Teague and Senior Associate Athletic Director Ellis remove their Gopher hats and don their Villa 7s?  Nights and Sundays?  And, while we’re asking, what is the job description of the Senior Associate Athletic Director?  That’s a new  [position, isn’t it?  What does it pay?

     Before euphoria sets in, before fans of the Gopher get giddy, some disclosure seems to be in order.  D’ya think?  There'll probably be no need to rush the identity of any coach who agrees to come here.

 

Howard Cox